Hands up if you struggle with communication!
I work with so many individuals in my
Born to Heal Course who struggle with:
1. Giving themselves permission to have needs and
2. Effectively communicating them without becoming reactive or shutting down.
“Taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem in communication, presents the opportunity for great repair.”
-John Gottman
Have you ever felt unheard and thrown into chaos in the midst of conflict and unable to express your needs?
Yeah, me too.
And yes, @rickalexander_ and I do have ruptures.
But I find, it’s all about repairing the rupture from a grounded knowing that both parties are moving from a place of connection.
In this, communication is KEY.
I found The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication by the Art of Manliness and
I believe these 10 tips are golden nuggets in the midst when communicating needs, desires, upset, etc:
1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms:
When another uses wounding language to point our flaws and tear down each other, this not only erodes self-worth within the container, it degrades trust and intimacy.
2. Avoid “global” labels:
When criticizing you tend to criticize character or criticize behavior. When you criticize behavior, you’re calling out something specific and actionable that someone can actually change. But criticizing character targets someone’s identity, a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they don’t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person.
3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation:
“The essence of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain and you did it to me.’ And the subtext within is: ‘You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.’”
4. Avoid old history:
The true low blow. Try to stay present and stay with the current instead of going back to every time he or she has upset you in the past.
5. Avoid negative comparisons:
Our identities are based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we care for the most say we don’t stack up is another blow to self-worth
6. Avoid threats:
“The basic message of a threat is: you’re bad and I’m going to punish you.” This is a toxic way to instantly shut down conversation and compel behavior.
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them:
Describe your emotions as specifically as possible. This take PRACTICE and emotional attunement. Feel into your body. Also, try to avoid labeling the other person’s emotional experience. Only they know what is true for them.
8. Keep body language open and receptive:
Our body language is an amazing messenger of how we’re actually feeling.
Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwillingness to communicate.
9. Use whole messages:
Attempt to deliver “whole messages” when speaking with your significant other.
A whole messages consist of 4 parts:
Observations (neutral without judgement)
Thoughts (not conveyed as absolute truth but as your personal hypothesis or understanding of a situation)
Feelings (in a specific way that doesn’t blame your partner)
Need/Wants (as a flexible requirement)
10. Use clear messages:
Sometimes we pretend to make a straightforward observation, but we’re actually adding in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings.
According to AOM, “an effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question”
Questioning may soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; they’re really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partner’s choice.
Hopefully this helps with your communication.
Later this week I will break down needs and the importance of becoming aware of your needs ❤️🙌
All the love,
Danielle