A Memoir of A Wounded Healer



Hi, I'm Danielle and I am the owner and founder of AlphaFemme Human Healing and Optimization.

I am a doctor of physical therapy turned integrative coach and practitioner.

By posting this memoir, I hope to help you develop a transparent perspective of my evolution as a clinician and the personal pivot I've made towards my value set in order to serve through AlphaFemme.



I’ve dedicated the past 2 years of my life into a deep self study of somatic psychology, depth psychology, and emotional intelligence. I have found the current work that I do with my clients and patients cannot possibly be restricted to ONLY the physical body.



Healing involves the body AND how the body is relating to and perceiving the environment around it. After losing my part time PT gig due to Covid-19, I knew it was time to go ALL IN on AlphaFemme and bringing this realization to life. This is my opportunity to do what I've always dreamed of. It is time to release the chains of "shoulds" from my life. Without context, it is hard to understand what I'm talking about here, so below you will find a memoir about the last 4 years of my life. It reflects my transparent and vulnerable story and experience that has led me to this point.

These years represented the sacrificing of my Self in attempt to validate my worth.

Only later would I discover that this self sacrificial path would eventually lead me towards an expanded conscious awareness.

I write this memoir with immense gratitude for the past four years of my life.

These years were defining years in my life. I participated in my archetypal "hero’s journey" during this time. Now, a significant portion of that self-betrayal has been transmuted, in a process that was just as painful as the suffering itself. But now, these experiences have allowed me to see glimpses of my true essence, my Self, or as Carl Jung states, “the Voice of God.”


This memoir is about my journey of transitioning from a life lived "from the outside in" to a life lived "from the inside out." We all do the best we can with our current levels of consciousness, so I write this memoir with so much grace for the previous versions of myself and all those involved. I’m writing this personal memoir in a timeline sequence of significant time periods in my life, so I will begin in 2016.

 

Year 2016:

It’s 2016, my six-year long term intimate relationship was cracking at the seams.

I was unconsciously playing the role of caretaker in this relationship.I was also clinging tightly to every thread of “should” that the relationship provided me. This relationship looked perfect to the external world, but inside, my Self felt very trapped. I was trapped underneath the heavy weight of expectations I felt from my family, society, and the collective.

What do they ask from a young woman in a long term relationship? They ask for marriage, children, security,(or at least I thought) but they are certainly not asking for her truth.

In attempts to create security around the damaged foundations of my partnership, I decided to look outside myself for comfort and security. I decided to apply and go to physical therapy school. At the time, I believed that if I had a decent and stable job, it would certainly make all parties happy. About half way through 2016, after moving across the country and reestablishing myself as a PT student, I broke up with my partner. Reflecting back, I knew it wasn’t right, even at my level of unconsciousness, I was moving towards truth, just slowly and apprehensively.

 

Year 2017:

It’s 2017, I was now a year into PT school. I was navigating the new territories of being single. I forced myself to be social with my classmates (which being an introverted spirit was hard for me, but I made friends). I was learning interesting things in PT school and things seemed to be going okay. I now realize that ‘okay’ is not enough for me anymore. I knew intrinsically something about my path in physical therapy didn’t feel right. It felt like I was crawling into yet another cage that I built for myself based on societal “shoulds.” This was the year in PT school where I implicitly learned what and who I “should” be, to be a worthy clinician.

I wasn’t buying it. I felt like it left so many people void of true empathetic care from medical professionals. Although these feelings towards the medical model were strong, I continued forth on my physical therapy journey. Discernment wasn’t a developed skill for me at that time and I believed that quitting was a sign of weakness, so I persisted.

 

Year 2018:

I met my “best friend” in 2018. Given our shared interests in fitness and wellness, we developed a company together. Together, it felt like he and I could truly tackle the world with our ideas and our passion. Unfortunately, too much passion and not enough reality can lead to blurred lines and power dynamics that led to a very long and drawn out toxic relationship. Again, on the outside, he and I were building what seemed to be a “successful” business, and yet again, I was dying on the inside. I was choosing to suppress my ultimate truths of compassionate, empathetic change, to be in a submissive “side kick” in an egocentric health and wellness business.

The relationship dynamic was blurred even further as had attached myself to the identity of who I had become over the year. I was now the face of our company. I had so many people following my lead externally. The behind the scenes looked much different though. I was told by my partner, “I would never be anything without this business.” These are the words that shattered my already cracked attempts to stand in truth. The words rang through my spirit like the devil disguised as truth. At the time, I didn’t realize how this dynamic was unfolding, but reflecting back, this business and this relationship was a conditional dynamic, rooted in manipulation, disguised as a passion for service. Only later would I realize that fear and righteous anger are not the same as truth.

After many attempts to mask my eyes from the pain of what was happening in reality, a massive betrayal forced my eyes open to the truth. It was like the solidarity of my psyche was ripped out from under me. I felt like Alice when she falls to the depths of Wonderland. No solid ground to stand on and unsure what to believe, or who to trust, I certainly didn't trust myself. The truth was grasping for my eyelids and forcing them open, despite all of my efforts to keep them shut. It was the first time I confronted true malevolence and saw how cruel that people could be.